A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, STAR WARS was fun. I miss that time. STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS, the animated annotation to the live-action films tries to recapture that magic. It begins with the same screen-filling title as the very first film. That immediately gives way to a prologue, spoken this time rather than an endless screen crawl, explaining the intricacies of trade routes and kidnappings. If there is anything that gives away the film’s aim at kiddies, and tiny ones, that would be it. Alas, all the efforts to evoke the glory days only serve to point up the shortcomings of the here and now.
There is a great deal of plot involving trade routes and politics while bringing in pretty much all the old favorites from the second trilogy, whether they have much to do or not. Hence Mace Windu has a few scenes with Samuel L Jackson providing the voice, and then disappears altogether from the proceedings with no more explanation of why he was there in the first place than of why he is absent for the rest. The kidnapping is of Jabba the Hutt’s son, a Huttlet. No, really. This is an excuse to bring in Jabba’s uncle, Ziro the Hutt, also known as the first openly gay character in the mythos and voiced as though by Truman Capote at his most fey. And no, C-3PO doesn’t count unless there is a gendering of the droids that hasn’t been made explicit and, all things considered, perhaps shouldn’t be.
Naturally, only Annakin Skywalker and his erstwhile teacher, Obi-Wan Kenobi are the only ones who can save the Huttlet, return him to Jabba, and secure the trade routes for the Republic that they serve. Naturally, Skywalker and Obi-Wan are otherwise occupied battling evil Separatist droids on another planet and cut off from conventional communications. The only way to get the message to them that they need to scamper to another part of the galaxy is to send Ashoka Tano, who is also the apprentice Jedi that Annakin is surprised to learn is now his responsibility, much to his consternation.
We know he doesn’t want to be in charge of Ashoka, a slim, spunky little thing with big blue eyes, vaguely Egyptian headdress, and boundless enthusiasm to prove that she is not too young to be a Jedi, because all the dialogue leading up to Ashoka’s appearance is centered on how Annakin would never want an apprentice. All the dialogue is like that, clunky and for the most part stating the bleeding obvious before, during, and after the fact. As for the witty banter that constitutes the interplay between Ashoka and Annakin, it falls sadly flat under the weight of its own cliché-ness. This is mitigated only by the constant eruption of yet another climactic battle and/or duel, sometimes in outer space, sometimes on a strange new world, sometimes on a familiar one, but always following the same pattern. That would be the woop-woop of laser weapons, the woosh-woosh of light sabers, and droids, clunky and graceful, exploding into bits from bombs or ticked off Jedi or both. Repeat at infinitum et ad nauseum. Ad ridiculum, for that matter considering the animation employed. Motion is rendered with all the finesse of marionettes being manipulated by moderately adept puppeteers working with figures made and clothed with barely flexible rubber. The artistic concept is a pale reflection of Deco heroism but with an odd bulkiness such that the emphatic sweep of Obi-Wan’s hair is like nothing so much as a generous wedge of Dutch cocoa seven-layer cake.
Familiar droids, R2D2 and the ci-mentioned C-3PO are on hand, as well as the rolling balls of death and the stick-like hordes from ATTACK OF THE CLONES. This time, though, the stick-like hordes have personalities, more or less, and are incarnated as wisecracking Separatist droids. Well, they don’t really crack wise so much as chatty in a nebbishy, unfunny fashion. And they do crack, well, actually they do that flying into bits I mentioned before during the regularly occurring climactic battles and/or duels that make up the bulk of the film. It’s not just the endless repetition of those that makes them unbearable, it’s the foreknowledge that these characters can’t really have anything bad happen to them until the later part of the timeline established by the six live-action films.
Returning villains include Count Dooku (once again voiced by Christopher Lee) and Chancellor Palpatine (Ian Abercrombie), and a new minion for the former, Ventress, a wasp-waisted warrioress with a personality to match. Her function is to have one of the climactic duels before Count Dooku does. Returning heroes are Yoda and Senator Amidala, the latter who gets to kick butt by going to an ill-fated meeting with Ziro because the film needed an excuse to get her involved in a butt-kicking fashion.
STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS heralds the series of the same name scheduled to premiere on the Cartoon Network this fall. Why LucasFilm, with all its talent and resources, would go to the trouble of a theatrical release of a film that barely qualifies as competent for the small screen and a half-hour format is a mystery. It certainly doesn’t make the prospect of a series something to anticipate with anything other than a wistful sadness.
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